When our child told us she had something to tell us, we knew instantly this was serious and had that horrible sinking feeling. When she told us she was trans, we told her we loved her and left her room, as it was really difficult for her to talk about. We lay awake at night and limped through the days reassessing everything we had previously taken for granted. Our minds raced and the more we read, the more we worried. Did she want surgery? Would she be safe going out at night? What about her planned interrailing trip, would she be safe travelling to transphobic countries?
Our daughter had said she didn’t want to socially transition until she left school, but then the wait became interminable for her and our relationship became strained. However, once she left the safety and routine of school, she struggled even more, becoming depressed. She didn’t leave her room much that summer and we felt hopeless, unable to reach her. We ached with that painful feeling of being physically close but emotionally far apart from someone you love.
She also became very defensive. We were confused when she told us the UK was the most transphobic country in the world and we knew we had to educate ourselves. We learned how poorly the UK compares to similar countries, how insidious some of our laws are and we have faced the harsh reality of how difficult it is for trans people to access healthcare.
I wish we’d found FFLAG in those early days because it was so difficult and we didn’t know what sources to trust online. I reached out and found friends of friends to speak to and had some useful conversations, but we had to figure out most of it alone. When our daughter told us she would kill herself if she had to wait five years for treatment on the NHS, we became desperate. We weren’t able to find clear, unbiased information on what treatment options there were nor did we know how to choose between private healthcare services. The choices were bewildering and the topic so divisive.
Once we came across FFLAG and attended a group meeting, we realised we were not alone and that many parents are facing the same worries because we all want the best for our children. Through listening and talking (anonymously), we were able to see which of our worries were typical and felt by all the parent/carers and which ones were unique to our situation. This helped us to put things into perspective and to see what we should focus on. It’s such a cliché, but we learned that we have to live one day at a time, that if our daughter is happy today, that’s all that matters and we can’t control what lies beyond.
A year later and our daughter is now studying and her bubbly self again. We’re all getting along well and we make sure to celebrate each step in her journey. Inevitably there will be bumps and struggles, none of which is helped by the current political climate. But I know our daughter feels safe and happy that we’re proud parents.